PETS & ANIMALS





Subject: Dogs, a girl's best friend

 
If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it
apart to remove the sports section
....... Buy a dog.
 
If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of
seeing you
..... Buy a dog.
 
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never
says its not quite as good as his mother made it
...... Buy a dog.
 
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and
wherever you want
...... Buy a dog.
 
If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon which
terrifies you and endangers the lives of your family and all the neighbors
....... Buy a dog.
 
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a damn
about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
..... Buy a dog.
 
If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your
feet and whom you can push off if he snores
.....Buy a dog.
 
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you
are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you
say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you  unconditionally,
perpetually
......Buy a dog.
 
But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you
call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the
place, walks all over you, runs around all night, only comes home to eat and
sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is  solely to ensure his
happiness, Then my friend,
.....  Buy a cat! (Any resemblance to a man is purely coincidental)






*
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the
coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The
male whale recognized it as the same ship that had
harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the
ship and blow out our air hole at the sametime and it
should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They
tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and
quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were
swimming to the safety of the shore.
The male whale was enraged that they were going to get
away and told the female, "Lets swim after them and
gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female whale was
becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I
went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse
to swallow the seamen.
 

 


 


*
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all daylong?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and foundthat it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.

While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!






DOG PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny...not very funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we
chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! What a proud
moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip",
then acting surprised when I
freak out every time we go back

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches
of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that
handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick
myself. Look, we both know the
truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile!
 

 


 




If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat
one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.........)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity










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