RELIGION



JESUS' REPORT CARD

Interim Report Student: J. CHRIST Form: III Term: 1

SUBJECT GRADE TEACHERS COMMENT

Religion D
To the question "Who made the world?" persisted in answering 'My
dad'. Claims bible originated from the same source.

English D+
Tends to speak and write in archaic forms and uses outmoded figures
of speech.

History A
Excellent pupil of ancient and Religious History.

Geography C-
Assignment on 'Hot, dry lands' was excellent, but shows little
interest in the rest. In geology, keeps talking about the Rock of Ages instead
of the ages of Rock.

Social Studies B+
Shows keen interest in social issues.

Mathematics E
Lacks basics. Keeps muttering about 'Three in one' and 'I and the father are one'.

General Science D
Lacks disipline - eg, when asked to repeat the experiment
for making hydrogen, claims he knew a better way.

Graphic Communication D
Prefers to draw with a stick in the sand to pencil and paper.

Consumer Education C+
Interesting ideas about alternative life style:
Something about living like sparrows and lilies of the fields...too impractical.

Art Craft B
Obviously has imagination and creativity, a good potter - likes
working with dirt and water.

Material Studies A
Excellent in woodwork section. Obviously receives help and
stimulation at home.

Music/Drama B+
A keen member of the school choir. On occasions can be
frighteningly dramatic.

Community Living A
Keen and interested in all aspects of community.

Physical Education D-
A trouble maker - eg during the learn-to-swim campaign
insisted on trying to walk across the pool.

Health Classes A
Shows a remarkable aptitude for first aid and knowledge of
the body.

Home Economics A+
This kid really knows how to stretch a loaf of bread and a fish!


CLASS TEACHERS COMMENT:
This boy has a very unhealthy tendency to form gangs.
He has organised twelve of his friends into a gang and is seen constantly in
the company of the children of publicans and sinners. He needs to be more
selective in his choice of friends. Also, he should learn to keep his hair at
a tidy length and not wear sandals with the school uniform.
 

 






 


A little Lenten Humor:

It's hard to be a Catholic:

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic
neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside
grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors
were eating cold Tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and
decided that something had to be done about John; he was tempting them to
eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went
over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of
his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the
Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a
Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was
resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of
Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down
to their cold tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on
a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!
WHAT WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard
to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group
arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small
pitcher of
water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying,
"You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
 

 

 


IRISH SHOPPING
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S' cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "What was that all about?" "Nothin', said the Irishman, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

YOU'VE BEEN OUT DRINKING AGAIN!
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. He decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at his door, he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning with his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?" "The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

I'VE LOST MY LUGGAGE
An Irishman arrived at JFK Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

WATER TO WINE
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

THE BROTHEL
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation." Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity; one of the girls must be quite ill!"

THANKS A LOT!
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
 

 

 


A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to thecountry to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they werea few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They werestanding beside their car on the shoulder when a truckapproached.Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. Thedriver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or can. One of the nuns dugout a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. Hesaid yes, and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas intothe pan. He waved good-bye to the nuns and left.The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by. The trooper stoppedand watched for a minute, then he said, "Sisters, I don't thinkit will work, but I sure do admire your faith!"
 

 






 


Pledge of Allegiance.

Since the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord's Prayer are not allowed in
most public schools anymore because the word "God" is mentioned....
a kid in Arizona wrote the attached NEW School prayer.


Now I sit me down in school Where praying is against the rule For this
great nation under God Finds mention of Him very odd.

If Scripture now the class recites, It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow Becomes a Federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green, That's no offense; it's a
freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

For praying in a public hall Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate, God's name is prohibited by the state.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks, And pierce our noses,
tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen, And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong, We're taught that such
"judgments" do not belong.

We can get our condoms and birth controls, Study witchcraft, vampires
and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed, No word of God must reach
this crowd.

It's scary here I must confess, When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!

Amen If you aren't ashamed to do this, please pass this on.

Jesus said, " If you are ashamed of me,"

I will be ashamed of you before my Father."

Not ashamed. Passing this on . .
 

 

 


In The Beginning

God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower
and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of
all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and
Jerry's and Krispy Creme. And Satan said, You want
chocolate with that? And Man said Oh Yeah. And Woman
said, and another one with sprinkles. And they gained
10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might
keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat,
and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went
from size 2 to size 10.

So God said, Try my fresh green salad.
And Satan presented Thousand-Island and Creamy Ranch
Dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman
unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, I have sent you heart-healthy
vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went
through the roof.

God then brought running shoes so that his children
might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so
Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the
flickering light and gained more pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in
fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
starchy center into chips and deep-fried them.
And man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so the Man might consume fewer
calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and it's 99-cent double
cheeseburger. Then said, You want fries with that?
And Man replied, Oh Yeah! And super-size em.
And Satan said, It is good. And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs.
 

 






 


A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever.At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

And at that point, the proctologist fainted.
 

 

 

*
SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous
On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
 

 

 


Subject: The bear and the atheist

The bear and the atheist

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees!

What powerful rivers!

What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in
the bushes.

Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.

Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him.

His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw
to take a swipe at him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

It was then that bright light shone upon the man and a voice came
out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach
others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.

Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count
you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps,
could you make the BEAR a Christian?" "

Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke,

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I
am truly thankful."
 

 

 


A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slideup her leg again.

The nun onceagain said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.










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