WORK & BUSINESS




1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland,
California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded
himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers
discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting,
"Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun,
kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated
teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money
from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop,
and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too
small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three
hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a
robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When
detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your
money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the
phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is
her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!! In Modesto,California,
Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America
branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but
unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.(hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE (I LOVE THIS ONE!!!) Last summer, down on
Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield,
California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No
matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat
going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much
power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted
to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was
wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working
condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop
was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the
water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE ...
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer







WALMART Job Application:
This is an actual job application that a 17 year
old boy submitted to Walmart in Florida ... and they hired him because
he was so honest and funny!


NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael
Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and
we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
If I had one, wouldn't I be there?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING
UP TO 50 Lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be
"Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm
thegreatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.
 

 

 


How to deal with irate customers...

In dealing with those 'special' customers we all love, an award should
go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and
funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who
probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United Airlines flight was
cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced
travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He
slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this
flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began her voice
heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If
anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."


With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have
to get in line for that, too."






THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary
 

 

 


Subject: For the Ladies ... Sick days

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway, because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I had conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping with my outraged nudity to make a statement about how her cowardly behaviour was not without consequence. Sighing loudly, I crouched down and stuck my head under the
sink to find the button.
It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the fascinating dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. And, at precisely the second I was most
vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging
from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from
experience. I was fleeing straight up when the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of been-there, done-that paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to
suppress their hysterical laughter.......and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all.
A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. Which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked. "Cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known.
 

 

 


Computer humor

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on
the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of
hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a
test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So
Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail.
They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did some genealogy reports.
They made cards.
They did every known job.

But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course the electricity
went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed in every curse word
known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back
on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching
frantically screaming, It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when
the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the
past two hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He
cheated! How did he do it??!!"

God shrugged and said,
 


"Jesus Saves."
 



 


First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class
with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor began the
lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two
important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by
anything involving the human body."

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of
the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same
thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for
several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt
of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor
looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is
observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to
pay attention.
 

 

 


Corporate lessons

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.









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