Man's Diary Entry.......
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men
and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus
and Mars thing. And I never figured out why men think with their head and
women think with their heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual
desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do."
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't
>eel like it. I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT???"
So she says the words that I and every husband on the
planet dread. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional
needs as a woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize
that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.
The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I
walked around with her while she tried on three different, very expensive
outfits. She could not decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of
them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair
to which I say OK. And then we go to the jewelry department where she gets a
pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you. She was so excited. She must have
thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared.
I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she
does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that
it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this, and you should
have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel
like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face. It went completely blank. I then said, "Really, honey, I just
want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
I figure that I won't be having sex again until some time after the spring of 2008.
Secrets of a Happy Marriage
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
some good food and companionship.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker
Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!".
So I bought her an electric chair.
Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"....
I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? 'Cause they want to'.
A BLONDE ON A HOLIDAY IN CANADA
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of
her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers
the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops
for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car,
runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if
they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and
you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi,
my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!!!!"
WORDS WOMEN USE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel
they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe
how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game
is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows!)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you for about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".
Send this to the men you know to warn them about future
arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!
And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her
first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense
that she decided to return to the clubhouse.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why back in so
early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee."
"Where?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole" she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
"My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
West Virginia Wedding
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right
away and immediately declared his intentions to her.
She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel,
climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer,
entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.
This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he
again straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you
we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.
She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of
the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other
end of the pool.
She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly!
After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out
and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Wheeling West Virginia and I worked
both sides of the river."
THE NEWEST MEDICATIONS FOR WOMEN
D A M I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
S T. M O M'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering
preschooler unconscious for up to six hours.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by
enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers
and how you couldn't wait 'til they moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed
before an evening out increases breast size, decreases
intelligence, and improves flirting.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road
rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to
such lines as, "You make me want to be a better
person...can we get naked now?"
B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases
potency and duration of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your
birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A N T I -T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone
too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
S E X C E D R I N
More effective than Excedrin in treating the "Not now,
dear, I have a headache" syndrome.
R A G A M E T
When administered to a husband provides the same irritation
as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and
trouble of doing it herself.
5 secrets of the perfect relationship
1 It is important to find a man who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, who cleans up, and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who can make you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important to find a man who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It is very important that these four men don't know each other.
While having a bite to eat in a cafe,a dad realizes his young son
has swallowed a quarter and the dad starts panicking,
shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking
woman in a business suit is sitting at the counter in the
cafe ,reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the
sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the
saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then
she gets up from her seat and makes her way across the cafe.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's
testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more
firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up
the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks
back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting
ill-effects, man rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic!
Are you a doctor?"
"No," she says. "Divorce attorney."
Nominated for Quote of the Year is the statement made by Texas Congressman
Dick Armey when asked "If you had been in President Clinton's place would
you have resigned?"
"If I had been in the president's place I would not have gotten the chance
to resign. I would have been lying in a pool of my own blood, looking up,
and listening to my wife ask, 'How do you reload this son of a bitch'?"
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so
we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends
encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one
thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini
skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite
near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me
that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and
couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if
you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I
was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went
straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight
towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little
test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.
CAKE OR BED
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE G.E. WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO .
FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.
I'M NOT A DAMM CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS. HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!
A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second day she decided that no one could see her way up there, so she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, Miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight." <
Thought for the day....
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to
women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable
to have dinner with.
1. I am hungry. = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy. = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired. = I am tired.
4. Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you. = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored. = Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you.
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 minutes.
14. Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay.
Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, Simply: In on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damned ice
cream truck hadn't come along, He'd still be alive today!"
The Moods of a Woman
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
The Moods of a Man
A Little Boy's question
A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked,
"Mommy, are these my brains?"
Mom said, "Not yet, honey."